DEALING WITH CONFLICT

As we approach Valentine’s Day, I decided to take a look at the good and bad sides of relationships.  Relationships included conflict beginning with the first couple, Adam and Eve.  Their relationship with God became severely strained when they disobeyed His command not eat the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  This act brought about the fall of man, which in turn changed the dynamics of how Adam related to Eve and how she related to him.  Their relationship took a big step backward.  Upon the maturity of their first sons, Cain and Abel, there is further evidence of relational conflict.  Abel's offering to God pleased Him while Cain’s did not.  This brought about jealousy and anger in Cai,n who finally killed his brother, committing the first murder.   Marriage is a picture of God’s covenantal nature.   This is why, when God’s people rebel and backslide, it is referred to as adultery instead of idolatry

The modern view of marriage for most Western cultures is a man or woman finding someone who will be the most successful in meeting my needs and bringing me fulfillment.  This puts an impossibly heavy burden on both the man and the woman.

Up until my mother’s death when I was nearly 10, my father and mother exemplified a loving and harmonious marriage that I’ve ever witnessed.  My father remarried when I was 14.  His new wife had three teenage children and so did we.   Though this sounds like The Brady Bunch,  the reality was that for the next six years, I experienced the upheavals that are very possible when two families are brought together.  The contrast of these two seasons in my life were amazing and I certainly got a good view of conflict in relationships.  

Most of us have never seen the healthy, Godly side of conflict resolution:  An experienced marriage counselor said, “You’re going to fight with someone for the rest of your life”.   A close friend or a spouse holds up a mirror for us.  Oftentimes, in that mirror, we don’t like what we see and it elevates conflict.  When conflict is done in a healthy way we have the opportunity to grow in a healthy way.  When conflict is handled poorly, because of our brokenness or pride or the stuff we were raised with, it will drive a wedge in the covenant.  It is interesting that the Song of Solomon, which is wildly romantic and drenched in eros love, is also 20% full of marital conflict.

It is completely logical that there will be conflict in marriages because all covenant relationships, such as marriage, include stages.  Just as we mature, progress, and develop as a human, so also we do in our marriage.  When you first get married, you realize how selfish you are.  This is magnified when the first child is born.  We make the choice to turn into it or to resist and harden our hearts.

Song of Solomon 5:2-3-  (Solomon has been gone and is coming home late)  I sleep, but my heart is awake; it is the voice of my beloved!  He knocks, saying, “Open for me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one; for my head is covered with dew, my locks with the drips of the night.”  I have taken off my robe; how can I put it on again? I have washed my feet; how can I defile them?”

If Solomon was an average Texas hunting man, he would be describing himself as having a night with the boys hunting ferrel hogs.  He arrives home tired and sweaty, and his wife has given up on him a long time ago and has gone to bed.  He has missed her so much that he can’t wait to get home and jump in bed with her but she has put up the sign, “closed for the evening”.  Most marital conflict is born from unmet expectations.  Solomon has one expectation, and she just wants to sleep.

Song of Solomon 5:4- My beloved put his hand by the latch of the door, and my heart yearned for him.  I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh, on the handles of the lock.  I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had turned away and was gone.  My heart leaped up when he spoke.  I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer.

This reveals the conflict between Solomon and his wife.  Here are some of the keys to healthy conflict in relationships as seen in the book of Song of Solomon:

1)  SOLOMON ONLY TOOK WHAT WAS OFFERED

•  It is never o.k. to take from your wife what she has not freely given.  You need to be a safe and available soul.

2)  SOLOMON DOESN’T TRY TO BE THE HOLY SPIRIT

• There are many men and women who use their perception of common sense to manipulate or change the way their spouse responds to them.  We should remember that this is a partnership.   They don’t exist to fulfill our every whim and desire.

• To try and manipulate someone is wrong.  Maybe you were advised that if you want more intimacy with your wife, work more around the house and serve her more.  What happens when you do that and it doesn’t work?

• You need to ask God to help you get to her soul.  This may require time, patience, and perseverance.  When somebody has suffered from abuse or deep wounds, they will likely take more time to begin responding in a healthy and loving way when we are working for peace in the relationship.

• We should follow the example of Jesus, who never tells us, “I’m going to bless you as long as you perfectly respond to My blessing”.  He blesses us because He loves us.  He moves towards us when we are the most imperfect responders ever.   It is better to take our frustrations to the Lord before voicing them to each other.  God has rebuked us sometimes saying, “You’re just trying to get from each other what you should be getting from Me”.

• It is a good rule of thumb to always take your frustrations to the Lord before taking them to your spouse.   There are healthy reasons to create distance but it is never healthy to do it to punish or manipulate

Song of Solomon Song 5:7- “The watchmen who went about the city found me.  They struck me, they wounded me; the keepers of the walls took my veil away from me.

• In verse 6, it says that she changed her mind and was now looking for Solomon, but couldn’t find him.  What does she do?   What most women do when in a conflict….she gets ahold of her girlfriends.

Song of Solomon 5:8-  I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved, that you tell him I am lovesick.

• The next verse reveals what the possible danger of this is:  Song of Solomon 5:9-  What is your beloved more than another beloved, O fairest among women?  What is your beloved more than another beloved, that you so charge us.?”  Can you see what they’re saying?  “Hey, what are you doing?  You’re so fine and beautiful, why are you seeking this bum out?”   There are always three stories in any story about marital conflict:  His story, her story, and the truth.   Sometimes, when conflict happens, the person will try to build a team on their side.  Ofte,n the stuff from our past has put a lens on our eyes that causes us to interpret data in a distorted way.

• Her response is legitimate:    (Read Song of Solomon 5:10-16.)   Do you see what she’s done here?  She has become an expert in the strengths of her spouse. 

3)   DON’T COMPARE YOUR STRENGTHS TO YOUR SPOUSE’S WEAKNESSES

• It looks like this:  “She always does this, I never do this” or “I always do this and she never does this”.  What if we take her “nevers” and your “nevers” and put them side by side?  We will see that we are both a work in progress.  When you say “I always do this and he never does this,” you’re comparing apples to oranges and he doesn’t have a chance because you’re comparing your strengths to his weaknesses. 

     4)   THERE ARE TIMES TO BRING HELP WITH CONFLICT

• After she tells her friends how fine Solomon is, they change their minds and decide to join with her.   They help her find him.  There are times to bring others in to help with your conflict.  This includes; If the spouse is a danger to themselves or others, if the marriage is no longer functional or sustainable,  or if you can no longer live with the way things are.  If any of these are true, it is time to bring someone in to help.  If the problem is addictio,n you need to focus on that, not on fighting.

      5)  SOME FINAL GOSPEL COUNSEL IN MARRIAGE CONFLICT

• Never respond to your spouse harshly.  God exemplifies this with Jeremiah when he basically calls God a liar.  God moves towards Him in love and assurance.   In Exodus, Moses tells God, “You said thus and so”.  Instead of answering him harshly, God speaks with understanding and compassion, bringing reassurance.

• Never touch your spouse out of temper or frustration.   A woman should never feel physically frightened by their husband.   It is not normal.  The strength God gives to men is for them to protect, provide, and nurture.  

• Never seek to shame your spouse.   Jesus never shames us.

• Never fight in front of your kids; especially bringing up the past and including family members.

• Never try to win; you are on the same team.

It’s always good to enter into conflicts to seek a resolution. Life is complex, beautiful, and difficult.  Those whom God has joined us with in relationship are worth fighting for.